


breathe once again

by takomomo



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Eating Disorders, Established Relationship, Friendship, Healing, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Aftermath
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 18:48:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29158413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/takomomo/pseuds/takomomo
Summary: Getting better was a long and painful process but Yuta was determined, even if his mind and body couldn't differentiate between torment and comfort.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 34
Kudos: 147





	1. The missing pieces

**Author's Note:**

> this story is longer and a little different than my usual one shots. it deals with a serious topic so i advise that you check the tags carefully because this story contains a lot of triggers. 
> 
> there will be nothing that explicitly portrays the non con, and this fic deals with the aftermath instead and how yuta's relationships are affected by his trauma. please take care of yourself and proceed with caution and feel free to turn around if it gets too much.

Yuta woke up with a dry mouth and a scratchy throat. He was in his own bed, but his pillows were all on the floor and his head spun when he tried to move. He rolled on his side and winced because everything was sore and his stomach churned wrongly. 

Slowly, he pulled himself to a sitting position and even that took a lot of effort. He was in his boxers and an old sweatshirt that was supposed to be in his hamper. He didn’t know how he got back to his bed in the dorm or how he changed into the sweatshirt, in fact, he couldn’t remember what happened the night before. His heart began to pound when he tried to reach for the memories but only managed to pull up blanks.

He forced himself on his feet and nearly collapsed from the shooting pain from his backside. It sparked panic and another dizzy spell. By some miracle he managed to run out of his room and to the bathroom where he promptly emptied his stomach. 

He was hungover. That was it, it was the only explanation.

Another wave of nausea hit him and he doubled over the toilet bowl, his entire body convulsing. A party, yes, there was a party at Rob’s place, and Jaehyun couldn’t come so Johnny went with him…or was it Mark? He dry heaved another time, bits and pieces of the night returning with a strange patchiness.

When he was sure there was nothing else left to throw up, he pulled back from the toilet and for the first time, saw the bruises around his wrists. His stomach dropped.

With an unsteady hand he reached for the light switch and what he saw only made him more sick.

There were bruises and bite marks on the inside of his thighs.

//

His phone started ringing right after the longest shower he had ever taken and he wished he could pretend not to see it but he knew Jaehyun. His boyfriend would be at the door in an hour if he kept ignoring his calls. 

Yuta felt like he had gone through a grinder but he hastily tore the sheets off his bed and discarded them with more force than he could afford with his battered body. He didn’t bother putting a clean set on before he slumped back on it in cold sweat. His eyes stung but he blinked the tears away as he accepted the fourth call.

“Hello?”

_ “Yuta! You were not answering your phone. I was worried sick. You also skipped your morning classes and Doyoung said he couldn’t get you up.”  _

“I’m fine.” His voice shook only a little. “I’m just feeling under the weather. I’ll stay in the dorms for now. Can you let Doyoung and Johnny know if you see them again?”

_ “Are you sure? Maybe you drunk too much last night. Do you want me to come over right now with something to eat?”  _

“No!” He calmed his breathing and continued “No, don’t skip your classes. I’ll be fine. I’ll call you again later okay?” 

He could hear Jaehyun breathing heavily into the receiver and his heart lurched at the possibility of him finding out. The thought was unbearable and made him feel worse in a way he didn’t think was possible.

_ “Okay. Just rest for now. I’ll let you know when my classes are done. I love you.”  _

“Bye Jae.” Yuta muttered quietly and ended the call. It didn’t feel right to say the words back, not after what he thought he’d done. 

He cheated on Jaehyun albeit unintentionally, or not…he couldn’t really say for sure without any memory of the night before. He might not remember it but he had all the marks to show for his supposed infidelity.

He rubbed the bite marks through the sweatpants he changed into, feeling the fresh sting. His eyes watered and he swallowed a sob. He didn’t know where he was supposed to begin. He needed to get tested, that was for sure. While he checked himself in the shower and ascertained that whoever did it at least used a condom, there were still so many unpleasant ways the night could’ve gone and he had to be sure.

He would take care of that later, when his body wasn’t shutting down from the shock. For now, he was going to have to conceal the marks from Johnny and Doyoung and hope his roommates were not perceptive enough to catch the shivers he couldn’t contain or the guilt that was clawing at him.

When his roommates came back from class that afternoon, Yuta had just woken up from a long nap and he took the chance to corner Johnny under the pretence of school work. 

“What’s up?” Johnny motioned to the turtleneck Yuta was wearing. It was uncharacteristic for someone who preferred tank tops at home and he knew it made him look more suspicious but it was the only thing that could hide the bruises on his neck and shoulders.

“The party last night.” He said, hoping it was enough to jog Johnny’s memory. 

“Yeah? What about it? Did anything happen?” The question made Yuta swallow. Johnny always made sure to look after him when they attended parties together. That was why he always went with either him or Mark when he wasn’t with Jaehyun.

“You didn’t go home with me.” Johnny’s eyebrows furrowed and Yuta held his breath. He knew what he would hear couldn’t be worse than what he already knew but it still rattled him.

“You went back earlier because you said you had a headache. You didn’t have much to drink so I just called you an Uber and you sent me a text when you got back in the dorm. Don’t you remember?”

Yuta forced an awkward, reassuring smile when Johnny’s expression darkened in worry. “I do remember. I just…I just wish you went back with me.” 

“Yuta, did something happen when you left?” He saw Johnny start to reach for him and panic surged up his throat. He stepped back and narrowly avoided the touch intended for his elbow. Johnny saw the flighty response and frowned. 

“Nothing happened.” He lied again and this time he tried to sound more convincing, in hopes of placating his roommate. “I’m serious. I just wish someone had been home to help make me some soup." The mention of food made him feel sick as much as the rough retelling of the night before did. It was like an out-of-body experience, being told you did something you have absolutely no recollection of.

“Yuta, Doyoung should’ve been home when you came back. Didn’t you see each other?”

“He must’ve been in his room. I went straight to mine.” He supplied too quickly, but Johnny was kind enough not to press. After acknowledging that Yuta might still be feeling off from the headache, they went their separate ways, Johnny to the kitchenette and Yuta to his room.

“Yuta’s not eating?” He heard Doyoung ask when Johnny sat at the table by himself.

“He said he ate something earlier.”

Yuta shut the door behind him and took the chance to scroll through the messages on his phone. His breathing grew quicker when he saw what Johnny was talking about. He did send him one text at nine to tell him he was home safe. The excessive amount of spaces and exclamation marks told him he was either completely inebriated or someone else sent the text. 

He hugged his knees to his chest and whimpered when he saw the last messages exchanged between him and Jaehyun before everything stuttered to a blank for him.

**Jaehyun:** How’s the party?

**Yuta:** Good, boring without you

**Jaehyun:** Sorry I couldn’t come. Will make it up to you next time </3

**Jaehyun:** What’re you doing?

**Jaehyun:** Busy?

**Jaehyun:** Johnny told me you went home. Everything okay?

**Jaehyun:** Yuta?

**Yuta:** Home safe and sound! , don’t worr y :) 

Jaehyun…He needed him—needed him to tell Yuta that everything was going to be okay, that they were going to be fine but Yuta couldn’t stomach the thought of placing that kind of burden on him.

//

One day wasn't enough to calm his anxiety so he took the next day off school as well. Doyoung had given him a weird look when he went to get water from the fridge just as he was leaving. Yuta had slept through the whole night and when he’d woken up, he was overwhelmed by the urge to doze off again. There must be something about his appearance that clued Doyoung in because he set his bag down and observed him up close as he was pouring himself a glass.

“You’re skipping class again? Are you sick?” 

“Headache.” He said simply, but Doyoung was less merciful than Johnny. 

“For two days straight? Shouldn’t you go to the doctor then?”

“I’ll be fine, I just need to sleep.”

“All you’ve been doing is sleep. Have you taken something? Should I get you Tylenol?” Yuta shook his head furiously and the phantom pain flared so suddenly so he bit his lip to stop the oncoming hiss.

“I’m fine Doyoung. Go to class, just let me borrow your notes later.” Doyoung reluctantly nodded and walked back to the table where he put his bag but before he could leave, Yuta recalled something from his conversation with Johnny.

“Wait, Doie.” His roommate turned his full attention back on him and Yuta unconsciously rubbed his wrists, right where his sweater hid the bruises.

“Yeah?”

“Did you see me come back from the party?“ The confused look Doyoung gave him made something cold settle in his stomach. 

“You didn’t come home until after midnight.” His roommate’s mouth was set in a thin line when he continued, “I woke up from the door slamming at around 2 in the morning and thought it was Johnny at first but he said he came home much later, so I’m pretty sure that was you.”

Color was probably rapidly draining from Yuta’s face because Doyoung hastily asked, “Why, did you lose something last night? Was it your airpods again?”

Yuta wished it were just that, that there were no handprints and bite marks on his body and no chunks of memory missing from his head. He licked his lips nervously and agreed in a lighter tone, “Yeah, I think I dropped it in the cab.”

He only allowed himself to crumple to the floor when Doyoung was out of the door. His fingers shook uncontrollably when he ran them through his hair. His head as spinning again and he thought he might vomit but he hadn’t eaten anything since yesterday. He breathed in deeply, and then out and shuddered when he thought he smelled a mix of beer and smoke.

It had to be someone from the party, someone who had followed him to his ride and taken him somewhere before bringing him back to the dorm. Someone who had an idea where he lived, and knew about his roommates.

He had no clue who it was and the thought that it could be anyone from the campus, Johnny’s classmate, Mark’s distant cousin, another exchange student he’d talked to once or twice or someone from Yuta’s club, scared the crap out of him.

His skin crawled at the possibility that he could come face to face with that person and not know any better. Yuta gagged and this time he wasn’t sure he could stop himself from throwing up bile all over the floor so he jumped to his feet to rush to the bathroom. 

Thankfully, Johnny was a heavy sleeper, because he was sure his sobs were loud enough to pierce through the walls.

  
  


//

  
  


Jaehyun rubbed his temple, unable to focus on the lecture. Sicheng sidled up to him with his books, presumably to ask him about a certain topic but he paused to look at his disgruntled appearance.

“Something wrong?”

“Nothing. I just don’t get the lecture.” His friend gaped at him like he grew another head.

“It’s Electronics, _you_ can’t not understand Electronics even if you sleep through the lecture.” He said flatly and asked again, “So what’s really wrong?” 

There was nothing he could possibly hide from Sicheng, he realized with a sinking feeling. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to share either, it just felt like he wasn’t in the position to talk about it. “It’s about Yuta.”

“Of course it is. So what about him? Did you break up?” Jaehyun recoiled from the question. Just the thought of it left a bitter taste in his mouth.

“No! We’re perfectly fine. It’s just, he skipped three days of classes and hadn’t let me see him at all.”

“Maybe he went down with something contagious. Chicken pox?”

“No, Johnny said it wasn’t anything contagious, he said it was a headache. But for three days? I’m worried.” 

“That he’s purposely avoiding you?” Sicheng’s voice had softened and Jaehyun was reminded why he was best friends with this man.

“I don’t think he’ll purposely miss his classes just to avoid me.” Their conversation was ultimately interrupted by Dan who walked up to their desk with his laptop and notes. Sicheng grumbled beside him and Jaehyun fought against a smile.

“Hey Jae, do you think you can help me with calculus?”

“He doesn’t even have calculus.” Sicheng supplied, glaring at Dan who looked between them cluelessly.

“Ah sorry, was I interrupting something?” 

Jaehyun yelped out a “No!” while Sicheng mouthed something in Chinese. If he were to take a wild guess, it was likely somewhere along the lines of go away.

“I was kidding man, I know you’re with that Japanese guy. So, can you help me? I’ll pay for your lunch today.”

“His name’s Yuta. Doesn’t Aubree help you with this normally?”

“She’s off limits for a while. We got into a little fight.”

“Okay, sure but only for an hour.” It would at least take his mind off his worries and the free lunch wouldn’t hurt either. Sicheng muttered something about asking help first before halfheartedly scooting over so Dan could squeeze next to Jaehyun.

As promised, Jaehyun and Sicheng were treated to a breakfast wrap from Starbucks at lunch break and then to a blueberry cheesecake they had to share and by the time Dan had to rush for his next class, Jaehyun received the first reply from Yuta since morning.

**Yuta:** Sorry I was sleeping

**Jaehyun:** Your head is still bothering you?

**Yuta:** A little

**Jaehyun:** Can I visit you?

His heart sank in disappointment when his last message was left unanswered. He could see that Yuta had read it but he also reminded himself that his boyfriend was easily the most forgetful person and might have simply forgotten to reply. He pocketed his phone with a sigh as Sicheng took the last piece of the cheese cake.

“Yuta?”

“Yeah. He…” 

“Just go. You don’t have anything except lab left today right? I’ll cover for you.” Jaehyun looked down at the plate that Sicheng polished off and smiled.

“Sorry, I’ve been ruining the mood since morning haven’t I?”

“It’s fine, go be a nice boyfriend and bring Yuta something nice to eat.” 

“You’re the best.” Jaehyun extended a fist over the table which Sicheng reluctantly bumped with his own but not without whining about being embarrassing in public.

Tuning out the noise from the crowd of late lunch-goers, Jaehyun took his phone out and typed in another message for Yuta.

**Jaehyun:** I’m coming to see you

  
  


//

Yuta was just coming back to the dorm when Jaehyun’s message came through and panic crawled over his skin. He clutched his satchel bag closer to his body, hyperaware of the forms he hastily shoved inside it before he left the clinic. 

He didn’t know if he was ready to see Jaehyun. He could still feel the distant ache between his legs and the bruises were now an ugly shade of yellow but were still very much visible.

His footsteps sped up between the elevator and their door, hoping he could at least make himself more presentable before Jaehyun arrived. There wasn’t much he could do after all, his eyes looked tired despite the abundance of sleep and he looked white as a sheet. Yuta contemplated putting on makeup, but decided he didn’t even have energy for that.

The knock on the door came half an hour after Jaehyun’s text and Yuta opened the door with as much energy as a wet sock. “You’re here.” He smiled through the jitters.

Jaehyun regarded him for a moment and his eyes widened a fraction before he let himself in. “Yuta, you look dead on your feet. Are you still not feeling well?”

“That’s one way to greet your boyfriend who’s been sick for days.” He jested, but even trying to appear normal was becoming increasingly difficult, he sounded tired and Jaehyun must’ve taken it the wrong way. He really needed to sleep it off. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. You seem very cold.” Jaehyun’s voice grew soft as he pointed to the turtleneck Yuta was still stubbornly wearing. 

“I brought you food.” He added and it was only then that Yuta noticed the plastic bag he was carrying. It smelled like samgyetang and the only reason he knew that was because Jaehyun liked to make it himself whenever he had time, eager to give Yuta a taste of his home.

“Did you make that or did you finally find a good Korean restaurant?” Jaehyun’s face lit up at the change of tone and made a beeline for the kitchenette. 

“You remember Angela from my class? She went to Chinatown last week and found this small family-owned restaurant that served samgyetang. It’s pretty close to what I make.” Jaehyun looked bashful despite his words and Yuta found the disparity adorable. It lifted his spirits a little, and it was just what he needed to forget about the papers in his satchel.

“How modest.” Jaehyun took the playful tone as a cue to bend down for a kiss, and whether it was deliberate or by accident, Yuta turned his face away, pushing Jaehyun back out of reflex as the ghost of an unfamiliar breath over his lips spiked at the back of his mind. 

He fought the panic building steadily in his chest and threw out a hasty lie, “You might catch my cold.”

Jaehyun looked confused and hurt for a second, “I thought you didn’t have anything contagious.”

“I might. I don’t know Jae, and we can’t be too sure.” If his voice broke off between his words, Jaehyun only regarded him with a worried look.

“Okay. I’ll just heat this up. Do you want to lie down for now? I can bring it to your room.” Jaehyun’s kindness only intensified the disgust he felt for himself. Here was his boyfriend, doing everything to make him feel better but he couldn’t even give him a kiss without his entire body convulsing in shame. 

He couldn’t kiss Jaehyun with this mouth, he decided, the same mouth he might’ve used on someone he didn’t know, whether it was something he consented to or not.

“Sorry Jae. I’ll just. I need to rest a bit more.”

“It’s all good. Don’t worry about it.” Yuta forced himself not to flinch when Jaehyun touched his hand, not quite gripping it, and he felt the first warmth of human contact in three days. He gave his boyfriend a tentative smile before pulling away.

His bed still smelled like detergent and it was a welcome comfort after a long day waiting in line at the clinic. A reminder of the test threw his heart into a rapid pace that he struggled to calm. He had a round, bolster pillow that Johnny gave him as a gift, he gathered it close and buried his face in it, desperate for anything to hold onto.

He closed his eyes, blocking everything, including the smell of food and the sound of Jaehyun’s light footsteps.

Then his eyes flew open, hands fumbling and gaze unfocused. Confusion hit him along with the overwhelming panic as his hands were gripped. The bruises had almost healed but they still stung under the pressure nonetheless.

“Hey, it’s just me.” Jaehyun’s voice grounded him, and then he was able to see the face to the body hovering over him. Jaehyun’s expression was pinched as he lowered Yuta’s flailing arms to his sides and moved back.

“Sorry.” He muttered weakly, unable to come up with any excuse this time.

“What was that?” Jaehyun looked pale and Yuta wondered if he had said something in his sleep. How long had he been asleep anyway? His eyes searched for the clock in his room before he remembered he didn’t put any new battery in after it stopped working.

“Nightmare.” 

“Are you really okay?” This time Yuta was the one who reached out, taking Jaehyun’s hand and tucking it under his chin. His own skin felt cold and his stomach was clenching in pain from hunger and possibly dehydration but he could only focus on the weight that continued to press down on his chest.

Jaehyun didn’t deserve his lies.

“Just sick, Jaehyun. I’ll be better.” He promised.


	2. coming together

The test ended up coming back negative and Yuta had gone back to class without much fanfare right after.

It was over and Yuta finally allowed himself to lower his hackles and let the worst of his worries go. He could go back to his life before it happened, go back to being Jaehyun’s cheery boyfriend and Doyoung and Johnny’s mess of a friend.

It should be easy, after all, he didn’t remember whatever transpired that night and all of the bruises had faded, and not even the bite marks that had broken skin left any scar. It was over, and Yuta was free.

Except he was not. 

He still woke up at night in cold sweat, bonelessly reaching for something to ground himself. There were no memories to haunt him, no face to remember, it was all just strangely vivid darkness. But it was the darkness that chased the breath out of his chest. 

Doyoung, who lived with and attended the same classes as him, had been the most perceptive, casually watching Yuta without sparking confrontation. It was as if he was waiting for Yuta to slip up because he jumped at the opportunity when their exam papers came back and he saw Yuta’s marked just below the passing score before he could shove it in his bag.

“What happened? Didn’t you study all night for this?” Doyoung kept his voice low but Yuta still felt embarrassed to be called out for his grade of all things. He never had any trouble with his studies before, even if his English vocabulary was not quite as extensive as Jaehyun’s.

“It didn’t work obviously.” He snapped without meaning to, and clamped down on his lips at Doyoung’s affronted look. “Sorry.”

“You’re so touchy these days. Is something happening between you and Jaehyun?” The mention of his boyfriend, who was equally clueless about the nightmares that had been plaguing Yuta, put him on edge.

“Why is it always about Jaehyun? No, it’s not him. We don’t have any issues.” He grabbed his mechanical pencil and began twirling it between his fingers. It usually helped calm his nerves but even that was not working because his jaw was tight with agitation.

“See? How can you tell me there’s nothing wrong?”

“How about you don’t stick your nose in somebody else’s business?” He snapped, entire body pulled taut. A few of their classmates were privy to their argument judging by the worried looks they were shooting in their direction. 

His skin prickled from the attention and his heart picked up pace from the thought that one pair of eyes in that room could belong to the person who had left those marks on his body and the black holes in his memory. Yuta stood up and gathered his stuff without bothering to look at Doyoung, who was undoubtedly upset from his outburst, and rushed out of class. It was pure luck that the professor had given them a free study time, or it would’ve been difficult to justify his burst of anger.

It was difficult to justify even to himself when he kicked the cubicle door in the men’s toilets. He was furious, not at Doyoung, he realized, but at himself because he kept letting this affect him, almost a month later. 

“Hey, you good?” The voice startled him and he scrambled to catch his notes that almost slipped from his arms. It was someone from Johnny’s class, Ryan? Raymond? He sniffed and rubbed his face with his free hand to try and appear casual.

“Yeah, I’m good. Sorry about that.” He managed to keep his voice steady at least. He pushed past the guy and speed walked the rest of the way out of the building. 

That exam had been crucial for his final grades’ computation. He didn’t know how he was supposed to remedy that now. His worries continued to pile up without him noticing, and now he had more than just some crazy, faceless asshole to think about.

Without realizing it, he had walked all the way to the Engineering department's building where the students were slowly filing out either for a quick smoke or coffee. He found Jaehyun among the throng because he was next to Sicheng who was hard to miss with his height and dyed brown hair and it seemed Sicheng saw him too because he waved unenthusiastically. It was very much in character for him, so Yuta took no offence.

It got Jaehyun’s attention though and their eyes met, instantly Yuta felt relief.

“Hey, you didn’t tell me you were coming here.” Jaehyun jogged to him with a smile. He hiked up his backpack and glanced around him like he was looking for something. “Where’s Doyoung? Don’t you have classes with him?”

His own smile became strained. He should really apologize but at the same time he didn’t feel like being subjected to his friend’s judgemental gaze, or the inevitable questions.

“He had to go somewhere.”

“So you’re alone? Wanna have lunch with us?” Jaehyun offered his hand which Yuta took without much thought. It was fine, it was just Jaehyun, Jaehyun would never hurt him, and he would not find out how fast Yuta's heart was beating just from holding his hand.

They held hands a few times since the incident, and they managed to kiss too, until Yuta had to run to the bathroom with the excuse of an upset stomach which wasn’t completely untrue, since he did throw up the half a sandwich he’d eaten.

Jaehyun bought the story of the stomach bug, the seasonal flu and even the allergies in the middle of summer. He wasn’t sure if Jaehyun was also trying to convince himself that nothing had changed between them, but it sure showed his incredible commitment. Something Yuta was eternally thankful for. He knew he could never bear the thought of losing Jaehyun, even if it was by his own fault.

“Is it okay?” He motioned between his boyfriend and Sicheng, to which the latter replied “Of course, anything to get Jaehyun’s attention elsewhere. If I have to hear about that National Geographic documentary one more time…” 

Yuta chuckled and it felt good, like Jaehyun’s hand and the warmth of his blanket back in the dorm. 

“Don’t think I’m not aware you have those documentaries on your Netflix list.” His boyfriend countered and tugged Yuta closer. He swallowed the urge to move away, especially since they were not alone. 

“Did you want something different? Or just your usual salad with chicken?” The question was addressed to him.

“I think I’ll just have a smoothie.” Jaehyun squeezed his hand and Yuta felt the bones of his fingers dig into his flesh. 

“That’s not enough for lunch. You’ve been losing weight.” From the corner of his eyes, he saw Sicheng casually observing their interaction. He felt uneasy about it, even though it wasn’t the first time they would have lunch together. Any form of attention was too much for Yuta right now.

“Jaehyun, I’ll just go and get my smoothie myself, you can go to lunch with Sicheng.” He didn’t mean for it to come out strong but it was too late to take it back. This was like how it went with Doyoung, so he was sure this would be where Jaehyun would argue back.

But he didn’t, he held Yuta’s hand tighter like he was afraid he would run away. “Sorry, you can have your smoothie. Let’s go together please, I miss you.”

They had seen each other a few times over the week, but Yuta knew what Jaehyun meant. They were not talking enough despite being together physically. It brought into light the fact that without the usual intimacy, there was a hollow space in their relationship that even Jaehyun's patient determination couldn't fill.

Yuta tried to shake off the feeling of Sicheng’s eyes on him, or the attention he was sure he was getting from the other students just by standing next to Jaehyun. His boyfriend was well loved among his peers and was always better at socializing than Yuta and he had plenty of admirers even if he didn’t actively seek attention. Jaehyun was a simple man, he was just really easy to love.

He sighed out loud. He really shouldn’t have come to that party without Jaehyun. 

“Me too. Sorry for snapping.” Maybe it was because he hadn’t been able to keep anything too heavy down or maybe he was sleeping too much, but he knew there was something he had to do about his fluctuating temper, especially when Jaehyun always seemed on edge around him now.

Yuta didn’t want to ruin anything. Not his friendships, and certainly not his relationship with Jaehyun.

//

“—you think about a camping trip?” Yuta looked up from his phone, confused. He hadn’t been following the conversation even though he had been pretending to and now he was lost, especially since the question was definitely directed at him.

“Huh?”

“I said, how about we go on a camping trip? You, Jaehyun, Doyoung, Mark and Ten.” It was obvious that Johnny was trying not to speak sharply. It must’ve been the third time that week that he and Doyoung tried to plan something for the upcoming long weekend without success because Yuta’s attention kept slipping away. 

“Sure. I mean, I’ll ask Jaehyun first but I’m sure he’ll come.” Johnny nodded, going back to his laptop where he was presumably looking at accommodations or at rental cars.

“There’s a good size cottage in the campsite, enough for eight people. Anyone else you wanna invite?” 

“I don’t know. I’ll ask Jaehyun.” Doyoung was quiet on the other end of their kitchen table. They hadn’t spoken since that incident in class.

“Don’t you have any friends that aren’t Jaehyun’s?” Johnny chuckled, and Yuta knew it was a joke, like most things that came out of Johnny’s mouth but he couldn’t help but feel defensive.

“No, I don’t. Is there anything wrong with that?” The sudden outburst cut Johnny’s laughter off abruptly and Doyoung straightened up on the chair, eyes ablaze.

“Hey, what the hell is wrong with you? He’s trying to plan this vacation for you, so you would stop moping around like a kicked puppy.” Johnny looked between them, startled. Possibly having not sensed the tension until then.

“Did I ask him to? What is up with you both?! I don’t need any of this support bullshit.” He stood up and the chair screeched behind him. Doyoung’s hand shot up and grabbed him around his wrist and immediately Yuta stiffened. 

“What the hell? You’ve been losing weight, failing your exams and you haven’t touched your sketchbook in forever. Something is wrong with you, but you won’t tell us what! What happened to _best friends forever_?!” Yuta tried to pull his hand back but Doyoung’s grip was surprisingly strong and his breath was already coming in too quickly. 

“Let go of me.”

“Not until you tell us what’s wrong.” Yuta felt lightheaded and he tried hard not to sway on his feet. He saw Johnny finally move, detaching Doyoung’s hand from his wrist in one quick swipe.

Yuta put a steadying hand on the table as he gathered his wits while his friends shared a look between them.

“Let him go.” It was the first time he’d heard Johnny talk in that steely, authoritative manner. “Yuta, go and rest. You look like you’re about to drop dead.” 

Yuta didn’t need to be told twice. He stomped to his room if only so they wouldn’t see how rattled he really was. It was the first time he got into an argument with both of them. He felt horrible, like the pressure on his chest tripled. He sniffled, and finally let the dam break when he sat on his bed. 

He bawled much like the first time it dawned on him, but this time he was careful not to let his sobs reach his roommates. They had every right to be upset with him, and he couldn’t even make excuses without letting them in on what happened.

No, it didn’t happen. He reminded himself again that no one knew about it and he couldn’t even remember anything from that night, therefore, it didn’t happen. It shouldn’t be affecting his life like this.

Yuta patted his pants down and was glad that he hadn’t left his phone outside. He dialled the first contact that came to mind. It rang three times before Jaehyun’s voice went through with crisp clarity.

_“Yuta?”_

“Were you asleep?” He pulled the phone away from his ear to check the time. Five minutes to 10pm.

_“No, it’s too early. Is something wrong?”_

“I got into a fight with Doyoung and Johnny.” He blurted out. There was no skirting around it, not with Jaehyun who knew his crying voice too well.

 _“About what?”_ Jaehyun’s voice was soft, understanding, and Yuta wondered how he could be so patient. How he could be so lucky to be loved by Jaehyun.

“Because I’m being an ass to them. I don’t know, I’ve been so short with everyone lately.” He admitted, and his voice shook as a fresh wave of tears rolled down his cheeks. He wiped them harshly with his sleeves.

_“Is it because you’re stressed with the exams?”_

“Maybe. Or I’m just in one of those moods.”

He heard Jaehyun chuckle and the sound was so melodious that it calmed his agony a little. _“Those moods don’t usually last for weeks. You can tell me honestly Yuta. I’m here to listen.”_

Yuta considered the words and shook his head even though Jaehyun couldn’t see. “Not now. Maybe one day.”

_“Okay. One day is fine. Are you feeling better?”_

“Just a little bit.” 

_“Then go and apologize to them. They love you like family Yuta, I’m sure they feel just as bad.”_ He knew they did, because Doyoung looked miserable and Johnny was visibly hurt. Now he couldn’t get those images out of his head and they weighed on him like boulders that hung from his shoulders, but even they were better than the faceless shadows that haunted him.

“I hate how you always make sense.” 

_“Isn’t that why you’re dating me?”_

“Of course. Jae?” He sniffled some more and wiped the last of the tears from his face.

_“Yeah?”_

“Do you wanna go camping with me? Well, with my roommates and other friends too.”

_“You didn’t need to ask.”_

Yuta had calmed down enough by the time the call was disconnected. Jaehyun had that effect on him. He waited for a little while more, strengthening his resolve as he ran through all the possible scenarios in his head. In any of them, he couldn’t see his best friends staying angry or berating him further. They were too kind for that.

Jaehyun was right, they were his family away from home. So he creeped out of bed and padded to the door with determination.

The apology went just as Yuta had imagined. Johnny was still outside when he went out under the guise of getting his gatorade from the fridge. Jaehyun bought it for him, when he noticed his chapped lips and lacklustre eyes in the past few weeks. He had ignored it for so long but he decided he was not going to waste a perfectly good electrolytes drink.

It was a small step, actively trying to get back to good health and attempting to mend the relationships he’d strained, but it was something.

“You know I didn’t mean for it to sound like I’m ungrateful. You’re the best friends I’ve ever had and I’m glad that you make the effort to take care of me, even if I am technically older than Doyoung.” He sat down in front of Johnny whose eyes softened at his words.

Johnny scoffed, his tone much lighter, “By four months. Anyway, we’re just worried about you. We don’t know what’s happening between you and Jaehyun, he seemed a little off himself.”

Yuta scratched behind his ear, an awful feeling thrumming in his chest. “That was all on me too. I’ve been touchy with him, but he hasn’t done anything wrong.” 

“That’s good to know.” The third voice startled Yuta but he relaxed as soon as he recognized it. Doyoung was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, watching them with sleepy eyes.

“And you better finish that.” He added, motioning to the Gatorade Yuta was nursing. 

He smiled, tentative but genuine, “Thank you.”

//

“Maybe we should’ve gotten a bigger van.” Yuta groused, pulling his legs up on the seat after briefly stretching them over the coolers below his seat. 

“Do you want to put your feet sideways? You can put it over my lap.” Jaehyun offered next to him, their hands clasped together.

“As sweet as that sounds, that’s probably more uncomfortable.” Plus, Sicheng was looking at them in equal parts disbelief and disgust and he couldn’t blame him. Even that felt a little too much for Yuta, Jaehyun was his boyfriend, not his doormat.

“Bear with it a little more. We’re almost there.” Johnny supplied without letting his attention stray from the road. Doyoung hummed in agreement, until he double checked the distance. 

“Actually, half an hour more of this winding road.” Yuta rested his head back on the backrest and closed his eyes. Asleep, he didn’t have to deal with the dizziness that came with the twisting roads. 

“Dude, that long? I might have to throw up.” Mark whined in the back, where the van was the shakiest, but Ten looked no worse for the wear, with his ears plugged and a mask over his eyes.

“Make sure you have a plastic bag there with you.” Doyoung reminded seriously, “And not a transparent one.” 

“Do you feel sick?” Jaehyun asked, his voice too soft for the others to hear. Yuta’s eyes slipped open so he could regard his boyfriend. Jaehyun looked so handsome in a simple white t-shirt and a snapback, enough that he could forgive the ratty flip flops he was wearing. He remembered buying him a newer pair for his birthday but knowing Jaehyun, he was likely saving them for special occasions.

“I’m fine. I need to keep my eyes close though.” Jaehyun rested his head on Yuta’s shoulder, probably remembering how well Yuta slept with him close, except that was no longer the case and his body grew rigid at the contact. 

Jaehyun must’ve felt it because he pulled back guiltily. “Sorry.” He muttered. Yuta was having none of it however, pulling his boyfriend’s head back to pillow against his shoulder. 

“Why are you sorry?” He giggled, savoring the normalcy between them. Yuta had missed Jaehyun terribly, he missed his kisses and his touch and he wished he could enjoy them again without triggering an unshakable anxiety.

“Right.” The younger man said and nuzzled his face into Yuta’s neck. 

For the second time, Yuta closed his eyes.

//

Jaehyun decided that he would treat both Johnny and Doyoung to a fancy dinner once they were back in the city because this was the happiest he had seen Yuta in the past month. His boyfriend had the widest smile on his face as the campsite manager explained the rules about fishing and boating in the expansive lake. 

The past weeks had been so tense that he had forgotten how a smile looked on Yuta, or how much he thrived in nature. “He looks okay now.” Sicheng commented quietly next to him. They were far away enough that the others wouldn’t hear them even if they strained their ears. 

“Yuta? He was just not feeling well for a while.” 

Sicheng cocked an eyebrow. “That was more than just a while.” 

Jaehyun didn’t need the reminder. He carried the uncertainty with him every day since Yuta started avoiding his touch. The constant fear that Yuta had gotten tired of him ate away at his resolve and the effect had been most obvious to Sicheng.

“I think I was just worrying too much.”

“No, you were totally valid. Your boyfriend doesn’t just stop kissing you for nothing.” Jaehyun felt his face burn. He didn’t often talk about his relationship with Yuta and for good reason. They were both very private people so it felt weird involving other people in issues that should only be between them, but the last few weeks had been too hard to bottle up.

“He didn’t completely stop…I mean, he’s just so flighty.” He still remembered the last time they kissed, when Yuta ran to the bathroom and hid in there for at least half an hour. The memory soured his mood.

While Yuta was straightforward with most things, he sure struggled trying to get his emotions across. This was why it had taken an awful lot of time for Jaehyun to convince him of his sincerity and to realize that Yuta did like him back, before they started dating.

Those were the most difficult and emotional times in their relationship but what he wouldn’t give to go back to those times. He recalled the way Yuta freely climbed into his lap when he had something to drink, or when he would pull Jaehyun for a kiss between sips of his iced coffee. 

Yuta was naturally shy and closed off, but he was a sensual person by nature, and Jaehyun enjoyed this contradiction immensely. So Yuta giving him a cold shoulder and avoiding him at times hurt more than he wanted to admit.

Only Doyoung and Johnny’s reassurances kept him holding onto the hope that everything was still okay between them.

“He’s going through something that he wants to keep to himself for now. Maybe it’s about his family, or something else back home. I can wait until he’s ready to talk.” He breathed out. Jaehyun was not supposed to discuss this with anyone but his chest immediately felt lighter at the admission.

“And he’s very lucky.” Sicheng turned around, heading to the cottage with his bags in tow. “Because he has the most understanding and faithful man completely whipped for him.” He shot Jaehyun a smile over his shoulder.

“Thanks Sicheng. I’ll follow you in after I get Yuta.” He waved at his friend and turned his attention back to Yuta who was now taking pictures of the lake on his phone.

“Want me to take one of you?” Jaehyun asked when he approached and his boyfriend nearly dropped his phone in surprise. 

“Jae! Don’t sneak up on me like that.” 

“I didn’t. You’re just not paying attention to your surroundings.” A weird look crossed Yuta’s face but was gone in a second. “So? Do you want me to take a picture of you?”

“No, it’s fine. It’s almost dark anyway, let’s go get settled in our room.” Jaehyun eagerly nodded, happy to have Yuta to himself finally, after being stuck in a stuffy van with a bad AC with five other guys. 

He saw Yuta walk up to the rest of the gang to tell them they were going in. Johnny and Ten looked like they were planning a last minute boat ride before sunset and Doyoung looked content reading his book at one of the picnic tables by the lake. Jaehyun waved at them for acknowledgement and watched Mark jog towards him.

“I’ll go in with you guys!” The younger man said, smacking his hand on his thigh where Jaehyun assumed he got bitten by a mosquito. 

“You should’ve brought an insect repellant spray. There’s a lot of mosquitoes here at night.” Jaehyun didn’t really need to be telling him this, Mark grew up in Vancouver so he should’ve known better. 

“I forgot man. I’ll just borrow Yuta’s. He packed one right?” 

“No, but I did.” Yuta bounded up behind him right then, wrapping his arms around Jaehyun’s waist despite the obvious tremor from his body. It was hard to tell if it was from the late afternoon chill or something else.

“Let’s go?” Yuta’s voice was muffled on Jaehyun’s t-shirt. Mark looked away from them and started walking towards the cottage after a quiet “Okay I’m going first.” and Jaehyun watched him pick up speed halfway with a chuckle. It was funny how their relationship still flustered Mark after all this time.

All the rooms were about the same size but the one they got had one double bed instead of two single ones. Jaehyun supposed that was expected, considering they were the only couple in the group, not counting Johnny and Ten whose relationship was tumultuous at best.

“It’s been a while since we last slept on the same bed.” Jaehyun commented offhandedly while Yuta was unpacking both of their stuff on the table. Yuta shifted uncomfortably at his words, shooting him an uneasy smile.

“Y-yeah. It’s been a while.” The response sparked hurt in his chest. It wasn't the rejection Jaehyun had been fearing but it was also nothing like the shy but enthusiastic welcome Yuta normally approached their intimacy with.

He cleared his throat and turned away, patting the beddings just so he had something to busy his hands with. Before, this was where Yuta would have him pinned on the bed, ravaging his mouth. The reminder simply worsened his mood but he knew he couldn’t blame that on Yuta either, he just had to be patient and relearn how to appreciate his boyfriend in a different way.

It only hit him how tired he actually felt when he tentatively laid his head on a pillow, turning around until he was in a comfortable enough position. He didn’t even bother to pull the blanket over him before he dozed off.

When he woke up, it was to the familiar sensation of Yuta’s hands through his hair. Jaehyun groaned, feeling up the firmness under his head until he realized he was pillowed on Yuta’s lap. 

“You fell asleep. Was I that boring or you were just tired?” The tone was lighthearted but Jaehyun noted the insecurity lacing it. 

“Sorry. Exams and three hours of sleep per day.” 

“Of course. You didn’t eat dinner. Do you want to eat outside by the lake?” Jaehyun shuffled to pull his arm from under his body, checking his watch. 

“At midnight?” Yuta smiled as his fingers continued to massage his head. 

“You packed a repellant spray didn’t you?”

//

Yuta unpacked the food on the table by the lake while Jaehyun fiddled with the LED lantern Johnny bought from a Walmart along the way and nearly blinded himself twice.

“I think you can adjust the brightness.” Yuta commented, licking the sauce off the plastic spoon. The chicken was already soggy from the sauce and being heated up twice and it looked hardly appetizing but his stomach was growling for food and Yuta was looking at him encouragingly.

“I figured. Are you not eating?” There was only one paper plate on the table.

“I ate with everyone else. Go, I don’t want you to be sick next.” Jaehyun’s heart fluttered in his chest at the softness of Yuta’s tone. It was amazing how something so simple could bring so much comfort to him. He reached across the table to hold Yuta’s hand as he poked at the chicken cutlets.

“Jaehyun?”

“What is it?” He answered mid chew and regretted it when he bit his tongue. The pain distracted him enough that he didn’t immediately see the somber look on Yuta’s face, but when he did, he waited with bated breath.

“I’m sorry about the past weeks. I realized I didn’t properly apologize to you.” Jaehyun’s lips were set in a thin line while he watched Yuta fumble with words and pick on an invisible lint on his long-sleeve t-shirt.

“You must be going through something.” He found himself saying, pausing to see Yuta’s shoulders tense up. “And I know you don’t want to share it with me yet, but I want you to know that I always have your back. No matter what it is, I’ll be here for you.”

Yuta blinked harshly and Jaehyun knew it was to try and hold back the tears that came too easy to Yuta. He wanted to hug him to his chest and hold him close for a long time, but he would let Yuta dictate their pace.

They’d been together for a fairly long time and Jaehyun had been determined to keep everything interesting for fear of losing the passion, of losing Yuta, but this time he would slow down and let things take its course. It was what Yuta needed, and what he had to learn to give.

"Let's go on a boat ride tomorrow at sunrise." Yuta said, his throat bobbing up. 

"Sure. We haven't done that in a while." He looked down on his food, hoping he could offer Yuta a strip of chicken without getting the same old excuse but his boyfriend surprised him with his next words instead.

“I love you, Jaehyun.” The words sounded so foreign from Yuta’s lips after not being spoken for so long and Jaehyun savored them, as well as the firm and determined kiss Yuta pressed to his lips. The table shook under his boyfriend’s weight as he braced his body on his arms but Jaehyun didn’t care for it, too focused on the kiss and the rapid beating of Yuta’s heart.

Yuta pulled away with red lips and glassy eyes. “That sauce is pretty good.” He said and Jaehyun didn’t attempt to stifle his laugh.


	3. All for him

The camping trip had helped more than Yuta anticipated. Johnny and Doyoung were right, all he needed was a little break and some fresh air and time away from the place he had associated with that terrible, terrible night. 

Good memories push the bad ones further back, even if that meant he was also pushing back memories of more carefree days with his boyfriend, laughter-filled nights with his roommates and best friends. But he was getting there, slowly, and everyone had been so patient with him that he honestly believed he would be back on his feet in no time, and all of this would just be a distant fragment of a bad dream.

Doyoung was helping him review his papers and had also helped him speak to one of the professors about arranging a possible make up test, while Jaehyun was coming over more and more these days to hang out and bring all three of them home-made food. 

Everything was much easier when he finally let himself lean on others, and it was a decision Yuta was eternally grateful to have taken.

It was a week after the camping trip when Yuta came back to the dorm with Jaehyun in tow, fingers intertwined and giggles spilling from his lips after Jaehyun told him about a guy who asked Sicheng out on a date after assuming he was gay too since he hung around Jaehyun too much. 

“Does this mean everyone thinks Doyoung is gay since he lives with me and Johnny?” He contemplated out loud as he let them both into the dorm.

“I’m pretty sure everyone thinks he and Johnny are a couple.”

“I wonder what Ten would think of that.” 

“Think of what?” 

Johnny straightened up on the small couch just as they were passing by, which startled Yuta into backpedaling straight into Jaehyun’s chest. His boyfriend let out a pained grunt.

“John! I thought you were going out tonight.” He said while Jaehyun greeted Johnny over Yuta’s head. 

“I cancelled since there’s going to be a thunderstorm tonight. Come look at this Yuta.” 

“I need to use the bathroom first.” Jaehyun whispered, disappearing just as Yuta approached Johnny from behind to peer at his phone. It was a grainy picture, obviously taken in bad lighting but when the recognition finally hit it was like air was punched out of his lungs.

The picture was from that night.

“I forgot I took photos at that party but look, I have a few of you before you left.” His hands began to tremble against his own accord and he had to bite into his lip to stop the shaky exhale from slipping out.

The picture Johnny was now showing him was of him, in a graphic t-shirt that hung loosely on his frame. It dawned on him that he didn’t know where that t-shirt had disappeared to, and wondered in horror if it was still in the person’s possession. 

There were three pictures, all of which were stolen, and one of them showed the porch of the house in the background. Presumably, that was where he waited for his Uber ride. There were two girls standing there, smoking. Yuta recognized one of them as Sakura, another exchange student from Japan and the other, a fairly tall, blonde girl who looked familiar but he couldn’t put his finger on it.

“I-I, Johnny, I waited for the Uber at the porch right? Were these two girls there?” Johnny nodded and scrolled sideways to a different picture, taken possibly after Yuta left because everyone looked smashed as hell. 

“Yeah, they were there. I also waited with you there until the Uber arrived. How do you not remember this, you only had a small sip of punch.”

The drink…He didn’t remember where he’d gotten it. Who handed it out. He wanted to ask but he knew it would be giving away too much, Johnny was not stupid, he would figure it all out.

“You know me. I’m forgetful.” He chuckled and hoped it hid the tremors in his body. He felt weak, his knees were shaking and it was jarring, how well he had been dealing with the pain and when he had finally stopped thinking about it he was ripped back to reality. 

“Yuta?”

The pain that shot up his body when he turned over in bed for the first time, the rings of bruises around his wrists, the bite marks on his thighs and the ache in the place that was only reserved for Jaehyun. Jaehyun…

Did he kiss the guy too? Did he pleasure him like he did to Jaehyun?

A strangled sob broke through his lips before he could stop himself and Johnny rose to his full height, his phone tumbling to the floor with a loud clunk. “Hey, what’s happening?” He reached for Yuta but he stumbled back and ran the entire way to the bathroom.

There it was again, the ugly churning in his stomach. Jaehyun was just coming out of the bathroom when Yuta shoved him aside and everything was a blur from that point on. He needed to throw up, Johnny’s worried calls and Jaehyun’s confused muttering of his name didn’t reach him until he stopped retching. The relief was short-lived because now the air felt thinner.

He felt a hand circle his waist but he was too weak to pull away, and he realized why it was placed there when he collapsed back. He would’ve planted face first on the tiles.

“Yuta what the hell is happening?” Johnny’s panicked voice broke through the haze but he still couldn’t breathe. Ha saw his roommate’s tall figure hovering at the door.

“Hey, you’re alright. You’re hyperventilating, you have to calm down.” Jaehyun whispered next to his hear. So he was the solid presence holding Yuta together. Suddenly, the hand around his waist didn’t feel all that painful anymore and he clutched it tight.

“Should I call someone? 911?” Johnny paced outside the bathroom.

“No he’s okay. Yuta, it’s okay, just follow my breathing, okay?” 

He nodded too fast and his head spun. Yuta focused on the steady rise and fall of Jaehyun’s chest against his back until his vision began to clear and he could breathe a little better. It went on like that for a little longer, with Jaehyun holding him close and Johnny muttering reassurances.

“Can you stand up? Let’s go to your room.”

“Yeah. Sorry.” Yuta let Jaehyun guide him to his room while Johnny followed behind them guiltily. His roommate might be slowly piecing things together, but Jaehyun had no clue what was happening and it brought a different kind of ache to his chest.

He sat on his bed and looked at Johnny in defeat. “Can you…leave us for a bit?” and when Johnny didn’t immediately move he added, “I promise I’m okay now.” 

“Call me if you need anything. I’ll be outside.” Jaehyun turned to him with a frown when the door clicked shut behind Johnny. 

He didn’t say anything though, he just continued stroking down Yuta’s arm like it was the most natural thing to do. Yuta stopped the motion and tangled their fingers together. This time he didn’t need Jaehyun to comfort him, he just wanted him to be there and listen.

“I…I don’t know where to start.” He admitted, already feeling the prickle of tears behind his eyes.

“Look at me.” Jaehyun said in the softest voice Yuta had heard him use. “I’m with you.”

He wondered in silence if there was any easier way to do this, or if he should’ve said the truth from the beginning. Except he had been convinced that he could bury it away without anyone the wiser.

Yuta bowed his head as he finally let it slip in a choked voice, “I think I was raped.”

There was a stunned gasp and Yuta felt Jaehyun’s hand twitch in his hold. It was the first time he had admitted what it was, after having convinced himself that it didn’t happen, or that he had consented to it, just without the memories to back it up. He made himself believe for a brief period that he had cheated on his boyfriend unknowingly, but it was an entirely different feeling when he finally said the word.

It was like the coil around his heart had loosened.

Jaehyun was silent for a long time, and Yuta could see his nostrils flaring and his chest heaving. He knew the reaction, he had gone through the same thing at the beginning, hell he just went through it again not even half an hour ago, and he was sure it would keep happening for a while.

It was not something he could escape, but it was something he would embrace, he decided, and he hoped Jaehyun would be there to help him through it. 

“Sorry…I can’t…” Yuta’s stomach was filled with dread when Jaehyun pulled away to cradle his face. He looked truly, deeply anguished. “When was it?” He asked in between his loud breathing. 

Yuta didn’t realize he was already crying until he tasted the saltiness on his lips. “About a month and half ago. At that party I attended with Johnny.”

“You said you think?” 

“I don’t remember anything. I just woke up, and—“ He swallowed the sudden lump in his throat and rubbed the tears from his face. Jaehyun must’ve sensed his distress at having to recall what little memory he had of that night because he opened his arms, an invitation to share the pain. So Yuta surged forward, fitting his body into Jaehyun’s embrace.

It was warm and familiar and it helped steady his voice when he continued. “I must’ve been drugged.” 

“Oh Yuta.” Jaehyun sniffled and Yuta realized he had been holding back his own tears. He buried his face in his boyfriend’s hair and held Yuta close. Yuta appreciated the firmness of his grip, the last thing he wanted was to be treated like glass.

“I should’ve been there that night.” Jaehyun’s voice broke, and so did Yuta’s heart. He placed a kiss on the base of his boyfriend’s neck and murmured,

“You couldn’t have known. No one could’ve known better.” Yuta rocked their bodies together, it was the first time since that night that he would initiate such intimate contact between them. Jaehyun’s hands slid behind his back, his palms splayed over Yuta’s spine. His presence felt like the soft blanket that shielded him from reality in the first days that followed that fateful night.

It was all Yuta needed to feel safe.

  
  


//

  
  


Breaking down all the details into small, discernible pieces helped Jaehyun understand the consequences that came in the form of Yuta’s consistent foul mood and aversion to his touch, Yuta could tell that much from the way his eyes widened ever so slightly every time something fell into place. 

It was difficult, getting everything out, but Jaehyun’s presence helped anchor him, keeping his mind in a safe place, away from the anxiety that was slowly chipping away at his sanity. 

After telling Jaehyun everything he knew, it was time to face Johnny, who was still anxiously tapping his feet on the floor just outside Yuta’s room. They decided to wait for Doyoung, who was supposed to be home in the next half an hour. They used that short idle time in between to make some instant coffee that they shared between the three of them. 

“Are you sure you want to talk about this tonight? You know you don’t have to.” Jaehyun asked a second time when he found him breathing in shallow puffs over the sink after putting away their used cups.

“I’m sure. They’ve been taking care of me since it happened, like you have.”

A kiss was pressed against his temple a few seconds before the door opened and Doyoung trudged in. He looked around the unexpected crowd in their living space and raised an eyebrow at the grim looks on Jaehyun and Johnny’s faces. 

“What’s happening?” Doyoung took a seat next to Johnny on the couch without prompting, looking between Jaehyun and Yuta. 

“That’s something I’d like to know too.” Johnny added but unlike Doyoung, he sounded fidgety, and Doyoung surely noticed because his frown deepened. 

Jaehyun gave him one final look and brushed the hair out of his eyes, that he was sure was still puffy from all the crying he did. But he felt better, and a little braver, perhaps because Jaehyun’s reaction had been better than every possible scenario he cooked up in his head. 

That evening would be the first time he would see Doyoung cry and Johnny so furious that he almost broke their table in half. Yuta was thankful that Jaehyun had been the calmer presence, intent on holding his hand through it.

  
  


//

With Doyoung and Johnny in the know, it became easier to be more open about his feelings, even if they were not the pleasant kind. He didn’t need to think of any more excuses when he didn’t feel like talking to anybody, or when his stomach refused any food. It hadn’t been as bad as the first few weeks but there was no helping the bouts of manic paranoia where he would feel completely exposed and vulnerable, unable to get a grip on reality. It still happened, and when it did, it was as if he could see the face of his aggressor in every person that passed him in the cafeteria or sat with him at the lecture hall. 

But Doyoung being in his class meant that there was someone who could rub his back and remind him to breathe, ‘breathe again Yuta, you’re going to be fine’. Jaehyun would have done it, but he was three buildings away and caught up in his own responsibilities, so Doyoung was enough, more than enough.

“Do you think you should know who did it?” Jaehyun finally asked when his roommate dropped him off at the Engineering building where Jaehyun was waiting for him at the entrance with a large cup of his favorite strawberry smoothie from Starbucks. He let his touch linger on Jaehyun’s hand when he took the drink, all too happy to feel him for once without the tremors caused by his mind.

Jaehyun kissed him on the cheek and he felt his boyfriend’s relieved exhale when he didn’t flinch away. He led Yuta to a bench at the back of the building where he used to wait for Jaehyun to finish his lab so they could walk to the dorms together.

“I’m not sure. How would finding out help? I don’t have anything against them. I didn’t have any rape kit exam done and I don’t remember a single thing from that night.” Jaehyun grew silent next to him and for once Yuta wondered what was going on in that head of his.

Jaehyun was a smart man, extremely rational at times, and Yuta was genuinely afraid he would try to push for something to be done. Instead Jaehyun sighed deeply and cozied next to him. “Alright, I’m not in the position to say anything. It’s your choice.” 

Yuta could see how it visibly pained Jaehyun to concede. He had, after all, unknowingly witnessed the hell Yuta went through in the first weeks and to be told about the truth when it was too late for anything to be done must’ve been frustrating. 

“Sorry, if I’m not as strong as you thought.” He hid the regret behind a small laugh but Jaehyun caught on anyway.

“No, no. Don’t think that way. You getting better is more important than anything, I’m just being stupid.” Yuta recognized the way he took a few seconds to gather his wits, still he appreciated the strength with which Jaehyun was handling all of it.

“You’re not. I do think you have a point...it’s just, I don’t want this to be what I thought of every time. I couldn’t have stopped it from happening but I do have the choice not to let it affect me anymore.” Jaehyun’s head bumped his cheek when he leaned close. It reminded Yuta of the time they were cramped in that tiny van Johnny rented and it filled him with only pleasant memories.

“Of course. Hey, do you want to get some dessert after that?” Jaehyun quickly changed the subject, motioning to the half-finished smoothie.

“Isn’t this already sweet enough?” He knew Jaehyun was itching to get him some actual food instead but he had been so careful not to push Yuta. And it was fine, getting better was a gradual process and he would start small and slowly build up the strength to return to his old self. One day, one step at a time. 

“Something not too sweet then. Red bean paste mochi?” 

“And where exactly are you planning to get that from?” He huffed a laugh that tugged on Jaehyun’s lips. Finally, his first real smile that day, Yuta missed it as much as he missed being able to kiss Jaehyun without shame.

“Let’s drive to the Asian store.”

“Really? Don’t you have a group meeting in an hour?” He tried to check the time on his phone but Jaehyun was already pulling him to stand. 

“We won’t be long. I promise.” So Yuta let him lace their fingers together, kissing the back of his hand as they walked to where his car was parked. 

Everything was going to be fine, Yuta reminded himself as he watched Jaehyun’s features morph into an expression he hadn’t seen since the truth came out. “Alright, take me away.”

  
  


//

  
  


Yuta was returning to class after the impromptu drive to the store with Jaehyun when he saw her. It was funny, however, how he hadn’t so much as caught a glimpse of her in the last month or so even if they had classes in the same building around the same time.

Sakura looked the way she did when he last talked to her, and she must’ve seen him staring because she caught his gaze and waved meekly over her friend’s shoulder. Yuta looked away and waited until she was done with her business and quietly approached her when her friend walked back into the lecture hall.

He didn’t know what he was trying to achieve, or what prompted him to, since he already made the decision to move on from that incident. Still, his feet took him to Sakura, who watched him with trepidation.

“Hey.” She greeted in Japanese. Yuta couldn’t blame her for her wariness, they were not exactly close, and he was sure they’d never had a proper conversation until now. 

“Are those mochi?” she added, pointing to the package in Yuta’s hand, possibly to dispel the awkwardness.

“Yeah, I got them from the Asian store just now.” 

“Oh, nice. I should go visit it sometime.”

There was a moment of silence where Yuta tried to come up with the right words to use. “Hey, so...remember the party at Rob’s?” 

Sakura looked thoughtful, like she was struggling to remember the details herself, but she nodded nonetheless. “Oh yeah, the one where you went with that tall friend of yours.”

“Yeah, Johnny. You were smoking on the porch, right?” He realized that his question had been taken the wrong way when Sakura stiffened. He was lucky they were having the conversation in Japanese or he would’ve been accused of harassment by any passerby.

“You’re not going to tell anyone else, are you?”

“No, it’s not about that. I wanted to ask if you remember seeing me getting into a car.” There was a strange tightness in his chest as he let the words out. Dread coiled in his stomach when Sakura frowned, assessing him carefully before she answered.

“I saw the car pull up but I didn’t see anything else. I went in with my friend around the same time as Johnny because she was throwing a fit.”

“Your friend?”

“Aubree. She was complaining about her boyfriend acting up at the party, and then he ditched her.” 

Yuta swallowed, steadying his voice, “He ditched her.”

“Yeah, he gave out drinks at the start of the party and then just disappeared. Sorry I was rambling. What’s wrong, did you forget something at the party?” 

He breathed in deeply and held the package of mochi tighter to stop his hands from trembling. Yuta could ask the question, it was all too easy, to have his answers and the chance to stop this person from committing the same atrocity to someone else. 

But did he really want that kind of burden? Did he really need to put a face to the shadows that still haunted him if there was a way he could just walk away without unearthing the nightmares? Yuta closed his eyes, breathing heavily through his nose.

So for once, he would let himself be a coward.

“Yeah, something like that. Sorry to bother you.” When he walked away from a confused Sakura, his steps were a little lighter but his heart remained to be a sodden weight in his chest, but he would learn to deal with that, just like how he learned to deal with everything else.

//

“We’re already late anyway.” Sicheng admonished lightly when Jaehyun nearly tripped on his own feet in his rush to make it on time to their group meeting for the final project for the semester.

“We have three more minutes.”

“Jaehyun, it’s a group meeting, no one’s going to care that you took your boyfriend for a joyride across the city for some mochi.” Jaehyun felt his face grow warm from the teasing. This was the last time he would tell Sicheng about his impromptu dates with Yuta.

“Whatever let’s just get there on time, okay?” And they did manage to make it with a minute to spare. It didn’t seem like anyone noticed them arrive either, with half the group busy with their notes and the other half on their phone.

The assigned leader prattled on about assignments and Jaehyun tried to keep an unwavering focus throughout until one of the guys, Eric, stretched, his jacket lifting away from the t-shirt he was wearing, and it was a familiar t-shirt. 

Too familiar, and one of its kind, considering Jaehyun had gone through the trouble of ordering it all the way from Korea for Yuta, who liked to amass a collection of unique, graphic t-shirts.

He stiffened, eyes growing wide. He might have snapped his pen in half if he didn’t have the presence of mind to place it in the fold of his workbook. Sicheng noticed the sudden tension in his body, because he nudged him softly, “Hey.” He whispered as not to get any unnecessary attention.

Jaehyun didn’t respond, nor did he stop staring at Eric who finally became aware of the intensity of Jaehyun’s gaze. He shifted uncomfortably, shooting Jaehyun an uneasy smile which he didn’t return.

The meeting concluded with little input from Jaehyun, though Sicheng made sure to take notes and answer on his behalf but not without shooting him furtive and uncertain glances. Jaehyun remained focused on Eric, until the group was eventually dismissed and the man shot to his feet faster than lightning. Jaehyun was on his tail just as quickly, leaving his stuff and his friend behind without a word.

He heard Sicheng call for him but nothing else mattered. Eric was only shorter than him by a centimeter but Jaehyun was intimidating when his face was pinched, that he knew from classmates he had been at odds with. Eric knew he was being followed and stopped by the fire exit, putting his hands up defensively.

“Hey man, I don’t know what’s up with you but I’m not into that-“ He didn’t get to finish because Jaehyun slammed him against the wall, earning a few interested looks from the few students who were around.

He made sure to keep his voice low. “Where did you get that t-shirt?” 

“It’s about the t-shirt?! Jesus, you could’ve just asked like a normal person.” Jaehyun slammed him a second time, punching the breath out of Eric.

“If you don’t tell me in the next second you’ll find yourself missing a few teeth.” 

“What the hell is wrong with you!? I picked it up from Dan’s okay!” Jaehyun gasped despite his tight reins over his emotions. “I was hanging out at his dorm room a few weeks ago and found it in his bin, it was a perfectly good t-shirt okay? It was such a waste.” 

Jaehyun fisted Eric’s jacket, his muscles straining from how hard he was trying not to scream. All this time, all this fucking time—

“Are you sure you found it there?”

“Yes, he told me it was trash so I could take it!” Jaehyun pushed him up the wall one last time before retreating in shock. He could feel agony course through his veins, followed by anger and then the unbridled urge to return the pain tenfold.

Sicheng caught up with him just as Eric was scrambling away. He looked torn between worried and pissed because he was forced to carry Jaehyun’s books on top of his own. “Tell me next time when you’re planning to walk out like that so at least I know what’s coming. I thought you were gonna beat him up.”

“Dan has calculus right now, right?” Sicheng looked at him with the most bewildered expression he’d seen him wear.

“I have no idea. I’m not friends with that guy, wait—where are you going now?” Without waiting for Sicheng’s confirmation, he headed down the fire exit, vaguely hearing the door close behind them after Sicheng followed him in while he climbed down the stairs three steps at a time.

Jaehyun knew Dan’s class schedule by heart because he had tutored the guy one too many times in a couple of different subjects. The irony slammed against his ribcage like a steel bar. Of all people who could’ve been responsible for something so unforgivable, it had to be the guy who he had been unwillingly friendly with.

He didn’t need to march all the way to the lecture hall after all, because he caught a glimpse of Dan walking at a leisurely pace to the men’s toilets. Jaehyun stopped in his tracks, carefully assessing the situation. The hallway was empty save for him and Sicheng because classes were ongoing, the bathroom was on the far end of it, away from foot traffic.

The weight of Yuta’s wish to remain ignorant from the truth was pulling him to the opposite direction but something ugly and vengeful had taken hold of Jaehyun’s heart. Yuta didn’t deserve to have his tormentor take on the face of someone very real, someone who was too close for comfort. 

He didn’t need Yuta to remember how Dan had taken advantage of him, but Jaehyun could take that burden. Yuta would never know, but Jaehyun would let that knowledge fester, and he would exact the punishment Yuta was unwilling to give.

“Sicheng.”

“Yes?” He approached the men’s toilets as quietly as possible.

“I’m going to beat someone up. Watch the door for me.” His friend gaped at him, seemingly unable to decide if he should be scandalized or worried but Jaehyun didn’t get the chance to see which one he settled on because he was twisting the door handle and slipping into the room with little sound.

“Jae-!”

Sicheng’s voice hardly filtered through the closed door but it did get the attention of one other guy who was coming out of a stall.

“Get out.” Jaehyun said, crisp clear. “And ignore any noise.” 

The guy seemed to have a good idea of what was going to happen because he shrugged and moved on, intent on not getting roped into anything troublesome. 

He could hear Sicheng’s nervous pacing outside but his attention was hooked on the last occupied stall as the door was pulled open. Dan, wearing the same stupid smile he did every time he needed to ask for Jaehyun’s help in class, acknowledged him with a small tilt of his head.

“Jae, I didn’t know you have a class on this floor around this period.” He said, washing his hands under the tap while Jaehyun remained rooted in place, carefully watching his every move. Dan was tall and quite fit but Jaehyun knew his muscles were all for show, he’d seen him try to fight before.

“Hey, what are you standing there fo—“ He swung at him with full force and watched him trip on his feet trying to avoid the hit intended for his jaw. He ended up on the dirty floor with a loud groan, already pushing back on his elbows to fight back. But Jaehyun was fast, especially faster when he was furious.

The second punch hit and so did the third and Dan clutched at Jaehyun’s clothes to pull him down at a good distance to headbutt him but Jaehyun rolled away. 

“What the hell man!?” Despite the blood on his lips and nose, Dan managed to pull himself upright, staggering from dizziness. Jaehyun took the chance to kick his feet from under him and watched him topple down a second time. 

He climbed over him, fisting his collar and aiming a couple more punches to his face. “What did I do!?” he screamed when Jaehyun didn’t let up, and left his first question unanswered.

“Are you really asking me that?” Jaehyun snapped, pushing his first against Dan’s bloodied cheek with enough pressure to hurt. 

“Is this about your boyfriend? Dude, he wanted it! If anything you should be mad at him!” 

Jaehyun dug his fist in and was rewarded by a pained cry. “No he didn’t. You fucking drugged him.” 

“He wasn’t even completely out of it! Get your hands off me, I’m going to fucking report you—“

“And what if I did? Report you for rape, I mean.”

Dan’s teeth clenched together. “No you wouldn’t. He consented to it, what’s there to report other than the fact that he cheated on you.” 

Jaehyun’s eyes crinkled in a vicious smile. If they were going to play this game, he might as well change his tactic. “He got a rape kit test and drug test done after it happened. I have a witness who has Yuta’s clothes that you had in your trash.” 

He could see the taller man visibly swallow, growing pale despite the blood on his face. “What do you want from me?” He finally asked, in a pleading voice this time, but Jaehyun had no mercy to spare.

“I want you to drop out of school.”

“What-!? Fuck, Jaehyun I can’t do that!” 

His hold around Dan’s collar tightened, causing him to flail and kick out. Jaehyun hardly budged, despite Dan’s weakened effort to throw him off. “You go to jail for rape or you drop out of school and never show yourself in front of my boyfriend again. It's your choice to make.” 

“My parents are gonna kill me!” 

“Then you should’ve thought of that first.” He got off the bigger man and watched him struggle to sit up, disoriented from the hits he took. 

“All this for that guy?!” He hissed one final time, jumping to his feet, aiming to get one punch in Jaehyun’s face which barely grazed him. Jaehyun pinned him against the wall using his fucked up balance. 

“Yes. All for him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a short epilogue left


	4. I'll breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> if you managed to get here, congratulations for braving through that. i know this isn't the easiest plot to read but thank you anyway for following it closely.
> 
> This epilogue has more pleasant undertones than the last three chapters and it's a relief to write after all of that. i hope you feel the same for it.

“Don’t forget your gloves, and hat, oh and your airpods.” Jaehyun smiled softly at the camera. The video was gritty and laggy but that was something he expected with the dorm wifi. It made him miss being able to see Yuta up close, see his thick lashes and the fine hair on his temples in perfect detail. 

This was enough though. It was enough to see that Yuta had gained much needed weight, and the liveliness he had lost during the worst of his plight. So it was all worth having to deal with the distance, or the longing, or the regret that he couldn’t fly all the way to Japan with him.

“I’m not a kid, Jae, I’m sure I packed everything just fine.” The image distorted for a few seconds and Jaehyun could tell that Yuta was moving around to look for the said airpods. He let his boyfriend think he couldn’t see his slightly flustered appearance.

“And your scarf, it’s really cold here right now, I don’t want you to come down with a cold right after coming back.”

“Such a worrywart.”

From this new angle Yuta’s hair looked longer since he could already tie it back and his bangs now fell below his eyes like curtains. He missed tucking them behind his ears. Yuta had a good healthy flush to his skin now, and Jaehyun was glad he decided not to say anything in the end.

In the end, the decision to keep the knowledge of Dan away from Yuta had been one of the crucial keys to his boyfriend’s gradual recovery, on top of his family’s support. He remembered feeling a sense of ease when Yuta told him about his intention to take leave from school for a semester to go back to Japan. It surprised him too, how he easily overlooked his own selfish desires for the sake of Yuta’s continued improvement or how he let go of his perceived justice to respect Yuta’s wishes.

A semester wasn’t long, and it sure didn’t feel like it when Yuta was religiously calling him every morning—late nights for Jaehyun—to ask him about his day and talk about his. And finally, at some point, he stopped talking about the nightmares.

“Did you get me any souvenirs?” He asked, eager to divert his thoughts to the fact that Yuta would be back to him in less than 24 hours. 

“I got you snacks, some trinkets from a hot spring resort, and authentic matcha powder from Kyoto. Did you want anything else?” Yuta’s face popped up on the screen for a brief second before he started going through one of his bags again, possibly checking to make sure he really did pack all of Jaehyun’s stuff.

He didn’t really want anything in particular, he just wanted to see Yuta again but he never shied away from the chance of teasing him. “What about a Kirby soft toy?” 

“How big do you want it? I don’t think I have enough space in my bag for a plush toy, to be honest.” Yuta looked genuinely conflicted and Jaehyun allowed himself to appreciate the cuteness that came naturally with his boyfriend’s carefree personality. 

It was difficult to imagine being in love with anyone else.

“Don’t worry about it, even a keychain would be fine.”

“I didn’t know you liked Kirby.” Yuta cocked his head to the side and Jaehyun was glad that the wifi held up for that brief second because he got a clear view of his dangly earrings. 

“I’ve been playing a lot of Super Smash Bros since you left. In fact I beat Johnny three times in a row.” 

Yuta’s eyes softened at the mention of his roommate. He pushed his bags aside with his socked feet and settled in front of the camera again. Jaehyun was glad that Yuta’s family home was a traditional one because the low tables afforded him a good view of his living room, and of Yuta.

“Hmm, doesn’t count, Johnny sucks at it big time I don’t think he even tries. You should try beating me instead.” Jaehyun pulled his hood up his head and adjusted the old glasses he only wore when his eyes were too tired from contact lenses.

“Then come back here quick so I can beat you with Kirby, and also so I can kiss you, a lot.” And then as an afterthought he added, “And Johnny and Doyoung can’t wait for you to be back too. They cleaned up your room and already stocked up on instant noodles and your favorite onion rings snack.”

Yuta’s eyes looked glassy and Jaehyun would’ve mistaken it for another connection mishap if not for the little sniffle he let out. “You’re all so amazing. I can’t wait to come back.”

Jaehyun rubbed his eyes under the pretence of being sleepy, but really, he was making sure Yuta wouldn’t see how emotional he was getting just from the thought of having him in his arms again, the same way he would keep it to himself how he filled up his gas to a full tank and made reservations at that Korean restaurant in Chinatown for when he picked Yuta up from the airport in the morning.

“I’ll be waiting, Yuta.”


End file.
